Fic archive: Star Trek TOS - "Crew Person" 1/1
This perhaps requires some explanation. Back in the midst of time, on alt.startrek.creative.erotica.moderated (or perhaps on alt.startrek.creative), there was a meme known as "Rude Person," wherein a tiny badfic was rendered in as many modes, versions, and accents as possible, always replicating certain ridiculous phrases. This was my contribution, fed by my undergrad boredom at reading Conrad's Lord Jim.



In honour of my 19th century novel prof,
and because you know it was always there,
and because Raku asked,
the send-up of Joseph Conrad . . .

Crew Person
by Jane St Clair

I have been on the sea these five-and-thirty years, and I tell you, friends, that the finest ship to ply the Eastern seas was the 'Enterprise.' She was a fine vessel, strong in the water, as bright and pretty a steamer as any in the merchant fleet. Her captain in the days I knew her was a bright young man of the Americas, Jim Kirk of name. He was a young man to be captain, but most deserving, strong in the fullness of his manhood, fair of face and sound of limb, with broad shoulders and a nice package, as the seamen call it.

Kirk had about him a ship's mate, of the name Spock, who came from the far islands, who had studied the ways of logic and long known the unnatural practices that arise from the suppression of human feeling. I have seen such things in the Far East, and I know their seductive power. There was many a man brought low by the rising tide of the ponn farr, and Kirk was no better than the best of them.

The 'Enterprise' came in its time to an island on which lay the things that tempt men's hearts. Kirk and his mate Spock set out in their longboat (a small vessel of the sort called shuttlecraft in more familiar kingdoms), but a storm blew in suddenly, like the rising passion of a savage beast, and dashed their vessel on the strong stones that bring so many low. Still, they were men of the noble sort one sometimes encounters in far lands, and they swam, manfully, each helping the other until they fell upon the sands and lay against one another, heaving with each breath and holding each the other's body against the pounding, driving force of nature's fury.

It happened, though, that even those strong men could take no more. They succumbed to nature's mastery and sought shelter in such a cave as presented itself. There they lay close, each meditating privately on what it means to be a man in a savage place. Presently, though, it came into the mate's heart that the suppression of his passions had tried the limits of his soul, and the madness of ponn farr must surely follow. There was no woman of ministrations tender to quench his animal hungers, no, nor lady of such reputation as might tempt a sailor to her bed. There was no soul on the isle save those two great men.

Spock considered his captain, whose life had been long entwined with his, and in whose bosom his deepest certainty lay. He considered the captain's fair face, his nice package, and the way in which his hinder parts resembled two good boiled eggs wrapped in such a handkerchief as a gentleman might well have about him. He laid a hand presently on Kirk's person, and made him mindful of their long companionship and the deep passion that rose swiftly in his soul and body.

The good captain was much amazed, for though he had heard tell of such exotic practices by which one man might in his depth of manhood join with another, but he had never conceived of himself in such a fashion. He had long been a favourite of such women as keep company with seamen, and was well-known in the ports of far-off China as a cocksman. Yet it was in his mind that Spock was his dearest companion in those far reaches of the world, and that men must, in their travels, do such things as are not done in lands we know. It was in his mind, too, that many a sailor had gained a depth of spirit not known to men of lesser mettle through such acts.

And so he acquiesced and took his friend of long companionship into his soul and so into his body, and they did such things as sailors do on journeys long. And the strength of person that Spock had long cherished proved deep and abiding, and the nice package he had long admired was put to the use which quenched the fires of his animal passion.

Later, they did it again, but with Kirk on top.

And that's the end.